Stoop Kid Enters Rehab After Stoop Relapse

BROOKLYN, New York — Stoop Kid is taking a leave of absence from his marketing firm in downtown Manhattan as he enters rehab to focus on his daily battle against addiction after his third relapse with stoops and porches in four years.

Stoop Kid admitted that he had a “moment of weakness” on two various stoops Monday night because of a “distant family member’s home that requires one to enter through a stoop.” Sources are reporting that once he got on the stoop, he refused to enter the home, grabbed a lawn chair and sat for an extended period of time. He apologized to his family, fans and the entire Hey Arnold gang during a 4-minute news conference on Friday. He spoke with a script and did not take questions.

“You guys all know how hard I have tried to beat this. I have given it everything I absolutely have,” said Stoop Kid, who expressed appreciation for Arnold and the gang in their continuing support. “…but when I find myself on a stoop for even a second, the old feelings come rushing back, and I leave myself open for a weak moment. I had a weak moment on Monday night in the old neighborhood.”

Stoop Kid added: “It was just wrong. That’s all it comes down to. I needed to be at a different place. I shouldn’t have grabbed the lawn chair. I needed to be responsible. I was not responsible. Those actions of mine have hurt a lot of people I’m very close to and for that I am sorry; though, if it provides any consolation to anyone, it felt good while it lasted.”

Stoop Kid went on to say that he will voluntarily be checking himself into a stoop, porch, and deck rehab center that specializes in sloth, located in Maine early next week.